The waiting never ends ....

I have been waiting all day to find out what time Derrick's flight is. You would think that the US military would have their shit together a little better but they don't. What a relief it will be to have him home safe. I'll post and let everyone know what time he got in.

The return ....

Derrick is finally back in the US of A!!! He will be at Ft. Benning in GA for a few more days and should be home in time for the weekend. I am planning on a welcome home at the airport, I'll e-mail everyone as soon as I have flight info.

Countdown

It is hard to have an actual countdown since I still do not have the exact date Derrick will be home, he suspects it will be in aprox two weeks! I will be contacting friends and relitives when I have an exact date, I would like to have a group at the airport to greet him when he gets off the plane.

bitter ... party of ....

I just read my last post, looks like I was a little pissy. The end is very near and I am feeling a lot better. Derrick should be home sometime between October 8th and the 15th or so. He has to go through a few places before his final destination home here in Columbus, OH. Everyone keeps asking me "are you excited?" and I would say more than excited, I just feel more calm and relaxed than I have in a long time. Derrick is my comfort zone. He is the factor in my life that makes everything feel safe and normal. I am ready to get back to my normal life, more ready than I have ever been for anything.

things are getting tough

It has been a bad week and it is only Tuesday for fucks sake. I don't really know what has happened here lately but all at once this whole thing seems a lot harder. I have come full circle and am just pissed again. I miss my husband, I miss my life. Fuck, I am lonely and I hate it.

Trip

Germany was awesome, we had a really great time just enjoying each other’s company and traveling around the countryside. I have so many beautiful pictures.

As suspected the trip pretty much took me back to square one with missing Derrick, basically every second that ticks by he is on my mind. Not that he was absent from my mind before, now it just aches again. It is a little easier knowing that I am only staring down about four more months. I can remember at the beginning of this process that 13 months was an incomprehensible number of days, like the end of that time would never come. We are over the hump and entering the home stretch ... these next four months can not possibly go fast enough.

Heading out

I am leaving this Thursday to fly out and visit Derrick, his R&R time has come and we are meeting in Germany. I will be able to spend 15 days with him, I am really nervous to fly alone all the way to Germany but it is worth it. I'll post when I get home about our adventure.

Birthday Bla

I have been really sick the last week or so, my birthday was on Monday and even that was a bummer. Some friends and I went out and had a little pizza party Monday night but I think that everyone else was having more fun than me. I was still feeling pretty cruddy and just really missed Derrick.

Speaking of Derrick he is doing well, he is very busy at his job, he has started a fishing club and will soon be playing on a softball team. I am glad that he has some sense of normalcy there, not that it compares to the luxuries of home but that there are many soldiers that have it much worse.

Easter Basket

This weekend I am taking off to Lima to spend the weekend with my parents for Easter. My youngest brother Wade is speaking at his church on Friday so I will be home the whole weekend since the family Easter dinner is on Sunday at 2, and I don't want to miss either. One of the things that Derrick always loved about going to my parents house for Easter was that my mom always made him a little Easter Basket, it just cracked him up. I will have to make sure to get him a basket together and send it out on Monday. It is little things like this that I miss about Derrick, how he is such a kid at heart and how much he loves it when someone embraces it.

I know, I know ... it's been forever.

So, I am way worse at posting than I thought I would be.

To get anyone who cares up to speed, I have been out of town a few times visiting friends. I went to San Francisco to visit Julie and Ramji with Adrian a few weeks back, we had a really great time, just drinking and eating "white trash food" (pretty much anything with potatoes or cheese or the combination of the two). Ramji took us on a tour of Berkly that nearly killed me, the twists and turns and up the hill down the hill ... we literally had to stop the car so I could get out, I am really surprised that I didn't puke. Other than that it was a really fun trip and I can't wait to go back when Derrick gets home. I have been out to visit twice and still have yet to see the Golden Gate Bridge, Derrick thinks that this is completely ridicules, but I keep telling him that I want to wait and see it for the first time with him.

Then this past weekend I went to Ft. Laturdale with my brother Jake to hang out with Matt down at his condo time share. What a drunken blunder that was. Pretty much from the time we woke up until the time we crashed into bed I had a drink in my hand. Unexpectedly, it was SPRING BREAK 08 down there and all I can really say is wow .. it was a running joke between Matt, Jake, and I ... at any given moment one of would just yell out SPRING BREAK! it was a really fun time, I will defiantly be talking to Derrick about buying into that time share. Today is the first day that I actually feel recovered from the trip.

I purchased my plane ticket to go visit Derrick in Germany, I will be taking off May 8 and returning May 24, I am looking forward to the trip. I have come to terms with missing Derrick and I think that this is going to rip that wound wide open but I would never miss the opportunity to see him, the trip is so close that it is what mostly consumes my thoughts.

all is well on the home front

It has been some time I know, sometimes I feel like I am just becoming numb to this deployment, and there is not really anything significant to say. I miss Derrick all the time but in a dull empty pain kind of way. When I am feeling the absence the most is really mostly at home when I don't have anything to do or nights when I can't sleep, then I am painfully aware that I am alone. Not having him around to listen to my, what seems to be lately, constant bitching (mostly about how much I hate the winters here in Ohio), sucks too. One thing that Derrick is really good at is tuning me out, without me thinking he is doing it.

Derrick seems to be in good spirits, we are both starting to get really excited to see each other in May, we are trying to finalize our plans but it looks like it will be around May 10th-24th or so. I am really excited and just really can't wait to see him.

I was out with some of the old gang on Friday and had a ton of fun. Sometimes I feel guilty about having fun because I know that Derrick is missing out. His biggest complaint about being over there is that he is bored and misses hanging out with friends. I can't imagine how lonely and icolating that would feel. With the exception of missing Derrick my life is pretty much the same as it was before he left. I feel this 400 days for him is more like a prison sentence.

time

Time does not make this process easier. One would think that as time goes by it would get a little easier, sting a little less. Not the case friends. I have come to find that time, is an enemy of mine. Days pass by as if I am trying to run under water, more than that, some kind of viscous jelly-like goo. This is not to say that I am doing bad, because I am not, I just really miss my husband and I would do or give anything to bring him home.

Busy

I never ever thought that I would be this busy while Derrick was away. It always seemed to me that all of my extra curricular activitys revolved solely around him, apparently not. My days are moving quickly but I still can't believe that it has only been three months. I think that this deployment could be somewhat compared to a break-up, there are stages of grieving. Currently I am at a level of acceptance, not that this does not change week to week or even day to day, for the last few days I have felt good. But, for example, last Friday was not good. It seemed as every second ticked by there was a tiny little razor running across my heart. I did what I always do and got drunk, very drunk. Some people will use alcohol as a catalyst to help them bring forth emotion, I use it to dull it.

That last sentence made me sound like an alcoholic .... should I worry?

Na! Drinks anyone?

still alive

Laptop still dead.... working on it ... busy as hell! Keeping my head above water! Missing Derrick, as usual. Job is bogging me down, I will be back on-line shortly.

Love you all!

Problems ...

So my laptop took a dump and that is the reason I have not posted in so long. I am doing well and have not plunged into some pool of depression. I am hoping to have the laptop up and running in a week or so, until then I will probably not post much.

Christmas was fine and New Years was fun, of course I missed Derrick but I miss Derrick everyday so it was not much different. Tonight I am putting on Christmas for the in-laws, what a treat that will be, oh well, anything is better than Hometown Buffet.

Anyway, like I said can't post much until the laptop is repaired, but after that I should be on track again. Call me for a drink anytime....

yuck

I have had a shitty week. Although every single thing that has happened to make it shitty was out of any one's control I can't help but think "If Derrick was home this would all be okay." Derrick always makes everything okay and it sucks that he is not home. I knew that at one point I would enter the "Pissed at the Army Phase" well welcome to it .... I'm pissed.

not much to report

I feel like I have a void of feelings this week. Emotionless, I guess is the word for that. Missing Derrick is a 24/7 job, it is mentally and physically taxing and I think that I have come to some sort of breaking point. I miss him but the everyday pain has subsided. I have no way of knowing if this will last but it's a nice break. My days are running together, every morning and every evening when I am standing in the bathroom brushing my teeth I think to myself, I just did this.

Wake up
Go to work
Go home
Go to bed
Repeat

Throw in a little drinking and volleyball and that is literally my life.

Movie spoiler at the end of this post

I have not been so good about keeping up on the posting. My computer at home is running like crap and now that I have a job that I actually like and a boss that I actually respect, I don't so much like to blog while I am at work, alas, my system is down and I have a few minutes.

This weekend was a tough one, it seems as the holidays near, love is all around everywhere but me. Friday after work some of the old gang got together and everyone brought something to throw in a box to send off to Derrick. I had a ton of fun but at the end of the night I still went home alone to my empty house. Saturday I did nothing all day, when I say nothing I really mean it, I woke up around 10am but stayed in bed until after noon and watched TV, then I moved out to the couch and continued the same until 7 when I showered and finally went out, Keri's parents were having a Christmas party, Alison and Justin picked me up and then the drinking began. We stayed at the party until about midnight and then headed over to 5 Ave. King. I ended up staying with Keri and Chad since I had no car and surprisingly slept very well. These days I almost sleep better on the couch, after years of sleeping in bed with Derrick it is hard to get used to sleeping in that big bed, I mean literally huge California King, by myself.

Sunday I missed some calls from Derrick and was so bummed. There have really only been a hand full of times that I have cried and Sunday I lost it. I was like a child throwing a temper tantrum, it is very frustrating to me that I am unable to call Derrick back if I miss a call. I simply went downstairs to see if Jake or Jen were interested in either of the two awful Netflix movies I had over the weekend, and that was the time that Derrick called. I sent him an e-mail and ask him to call me when he got to work that morning (which is about 1a.m. our time), he did but then I was totally awake until 2a.m., today is going to be a long day.

So the movies, The Machinist = bad. I purposely rented this movie because I think that Christian Bale is hot, well apparently in this movie he weighs 98 pounds, it was really bad, he looked about dead.
The Painted Veil = bad. I rented this movie because of my love affair with Edward Norton and in the movie he is a total pussy and then he finally bucks up becomes a man and dies. Pathetic.

Thanksgiving without Derrick

Wednesday after work Jake, Jen, and I went to Lima to hang with the 'rents for Thanksgiving. Wednesday night we played games and had some beer, a good time that could have been immensely improved by Derrick's presence. Derrick loves my parents house, it is all fun and games there and Derrick gets to be himself (a 13 year old boy). Thanksgiving dinner was awesome as usual and then the all girls took a nice long nap while all the boys dished about football. Thursday night we all went out to the garage, which is really a party house with pool table and a bar, it's also heated which is a plus, the family horsed around out there until pretty late. That was not quite as much fun as it usually is since Derrick was not there, and mostly because my drinking partner, my cousin Sherri, is pregnant with twins. I am so glad that she is pregnant she has been trying a long time but it sure does put a damper on MY fun. Friday Mom, Jen, and I went a bought a bunch of crap to make some Christmas decorations and that took up most of the day. After that is was off to the Legion Hall for some beers. Good times ... hey, it's Lima, what can I say.

Overall it was not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I got to talk to Derrick on Thursday for awhile and really I was pretty busy the rest of the time. Getting past the holidays I hope will not be so bad, I have friends and family around me all the time, and that is something I need. I am lonely and miss Derrick all the time but I am really trying as hard as I can to make lemonade.

I am cranky today, I miss Derrick today more than most days, there is no real reason, that just happens sometimes. Today is cold and dreary and wet, it all makes me want to curl into a ball with blankets and sleep for the next 361 days.