time

Time does not make this process easier. One would think that as time goes by it would get a little easier, sting a little less. Not the case friends. I have come to find that time, is an enemy of mine. Days pass by as if I am trying to run under water, more than that, some kind of viscous jelly-like goo. This is not to say that I am doing bad, because I am not, I just really miss my husband and I would do or give anything to bring him home.

Busy

I never ever thought that I would be this busy while Derrick was away. It always seemed to me that all of my extra curricular activitys revolved solely around him, apparently not. My days are moving quickly but I still can't believe that it has only been three months. I think that this deployment could be somewhat compared to a break-up, there are stages of grieving. Currently I am at a level of acceptance, not that this does not change week to week or even day to day, for the last few days I have felt good. But, for example, last Friday was not good. It seemed as every second ticked by there was a tiny little razor running across my heart. I did what I always do and got drunk, very drunk. Some people will use alcohol as a catalyst to help them bring forth emotion, I use it to dull it.

That last sentence made me sound like an alcoholic .... should I worry?

Na! Drinks anyone?

still alive

Laptop still dead.... working on it ... busy as hell! Keeping my head above water! Missing Derrick, as usual. Job is bogging me down, I will be back on-line shortly.

Love you all!

Problems ...

So my laptop took a dump and that is the reason I have not posted in so long. I am doing well and have not plunged into some pool of depression. I am hoping to have the laptop up and running in a week or so, until then I will probably not post much.

Christmas was fine and New Years was fun, of course I missed Derrick but I miss Derrick everyday so it was not much different. Tonight I am putting on Christmas for the in-laws, what a treat that will be, oh well, anything is better than Hometown Buffet.

Anyway, like I said can't post much until the laptop is repaired, but after that I should be on track again. Call me for a drink anytime....

yuck

I have had a shitty week. Although every single thing that has happened to make it shitty was out of any one's control I can't help but think "If Derrick was home this would all be okay." Derrick always makes everything okay and it sucks that he is not home. I knew that at one point I would enter the "Pissed at the Army Phase" well welcome to it .... I'm pissed.

not much to report

I feel like I have a void of feelings this week. Emotionless, I guess is the word for that. Missing Derrick is a 24/7 job, it is mentally and physically taxing and I think that I have come to some sort of breaking point. I miss him but the everyday pain has subsided. I have no way of knowing if this will last but it's a nice break. My days are running together, every morning and every evening when I am standing in the bathroom brushing my teeth I think to myself, I just did this.

Wake up
Go to work
Go home
Go to bed
Repeat

Throw in a little drinking and volleyball and that is literally my life.

Movie spoiler at the end of this post

I have not been so good about keeping up on the posting. My computer at home is running like crap and now that I have a job that I actually like and a boss that I actually respect, I don't so much like to blog while I am at work, alas, my system is down and I have a few minutes.

This weekend was a tough one, it seems as the holidays near, love is all around everywhere but me. Friday after work some of the old gang got together and everyone brought something to throw in a box to send off to Derrick. I had a ton of fun but at the end of the night I still went home alone to my empty house. Saturday I did nothing all day, when I say nothing I really mean it, I woke up around 10am but stayed in bed until after noon and watched TV, then I moved out to the couch and continued the same until 7 when I showered and finally went out, Keri's parents were having a Christmas party, Alison and Justin picked me up and then the drinking began. We stayed at the party until about midnight and then headed over to 5 Ave. King. I ended up staying with Keri and Chad since I had no car and surprisingly slept very well. These days I almost sleep better on the couch, after years of sleeping in bed with Derrick it is hard to get used to sleeping in that big bed, I mean literally huge California King, by myself.

Sunday I missed some calls from Derrick and was so bummed. There have really only been a hand full of times that I have cried and Sunday I lost it. I was like a child throwing a temper tantrum, it is very frustrating to me that I am unable to call Derrick back if I miss a call. I simply went downstairs to see if Jake or Jen were interested in either of the two awful Netflix movies I had over the weekend, and that was the time that Derrick called. I sent him an e-mail and ask him to call me when he got to work that morning (which is about 1a.m. our time), he did but then I was totally awake until 2a.m., today is going to be a long day.

So the movies, The Machinist = bad. I purposely rented this movie because I think that Christian Bale is hot, well apparently in this movie he weighs 98 pounds, it was really bad, he looked about dead.
The Painted Veil = bad. I rented this movie because of my love affair with Edward Norton and in the movie he is a total pussy and then he finally bucks up becomes a man and dies. Pathetic.