yuck

I have had a shitty week. Although every single thing that has happened to make it shitty was out of any one's control I can't help but think "If Derrick was home this would all be okay." Derrick always makes everything okay and it sucks that he is not home. I knew that at one point I would enter the "Pissed at the Army Phase" well welcome to it .... I'm pissed.

not much to report

I feel like I have a void of feelings this week. Emotionless, I guess is the word for that. Missing Derrick is a 24/7 job, it is mentally and physically taxing and I think that I have come to some sort of breaking point. I miss him but the everyday pain has subsided. I have no way of knowing if this will last but it's a nice break. My days are running together, every morning and every evening when I am standing in the bathroom brushing my teeth I think to myself, I just did this.

Wake up
Go to work
Go home
Go to bed
Repeat

Throw in a little drinking and volleyball and that is literally my life.

Movie spoiler at the end of this post

I have not been so good about keeping up on the posting. My computer at home is running like crap and now that I have a job that I actually like and a boss that I actually respect, I don't so much like to blog while I am at work, alas, my system is down and I have a few minutes.

This weekend was a tough one, it seems as the holidays near, love is all around everywhere but me. Friday after work some of the old gang got together and everyone brought something to throw in a box to send off to Derrick. I had a ton of fun but at the end of the night I still went home alone to my empty house. Saturday I did nothing all day, when I say nothing I really mean it, I woke up around 10am but stayed in bed until after noon and watched TV, then I moved out to the couch and continued the same until 7 when I showered and finally went out, Keri's parents were having a Christmas party, Alison and Justin picked me up and then the drinking began. We stayed at the party until about midnight and then headed over to 5 Ave. King. I ended up staying with Keri and Chad since I had no car and surprisingly slept very well. These days I almost sleep better on the couch, after years of sleeping in bed with Derrick it is hard to get used to sleeping in that big bed, I mean literally huge California King, by myself.

Sunday I missed some calls from Derrick and was so bummed. There have really only been a hand full of times that I have cried and Sunday I lost it. I was like a child throwing a temper tantrum, it is very frustrating to me that I am unable to call Derrick back if I miss a call. I simply went downstairs to see if Jake or Jen were interested in either of the two awful Netflix movies I had over the weekend, and that was the time that Derrick called. I sent him an e-mail and ask him to call me when he got to work that morning (which is about 1a.m. our time), he did but then I was totally awake until 2a.m., today is going to be a long day.

So the movies, The Machinist = bad. I purposely rented this movie because I think that Christian Bale is hot, well apparently in this movie he weighs 98 pounds, it was really bad, he looked about dead.
The Painted Veil = bad. I rented this movie because of my love affair with Edward Norton and in the movie he is a total pussy and then he finally bucks up becomes a man and dies. Pathetic.

Thanksgiving without Derrick

Wednesday after work Jake, Jen, and I went to Lima to hang with the 'rents for Thanksgiving. Wednesday night we played games and had some beer, a good time that could have been immensely improved by Derrick's presence. Derrick loves my parents house, it is all fun and games there and Derrick gets to be himself (a 13 year old boy). Thanksgiving dinner was awesome as usual and then the all girls took a nice long nap while all the boys dished about football. Thursday night we all went out to the garage, which is really a party house with pool table and a bar, it's also heated which is a plus, the family horsed around out there until pretty late. That was not quite as much fun as it usually is since Derrick was not there, and mostly because my drinking partner, my cousin Sherri, is pregnant with twins. I am so glad that she is pregnant she has been trying a long time but it sure does put a damper on MY fun. Friday Mom, Jen, and I went a bought a bunch of crap to make some Christmas decorations and that took up most of the day. After that is was off to the Legion Hall for some beers. Good times ... hey, it's Lima, what can I say.

Overall it was not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I got to talk to Derrick on Thursday for awhile and really I was pretty busy the rest of the time. Getting past the holidays I hope will not be so bad, I have friends and family around me all the time, and that is something I need. I am lonely and miss Derrick all the time but I am really trying as hard as I can to make lemonade.

I am cranky today, I miss Derrick today more than most days, there is no real reason, that just happens sometimes. Today is cold and dreary and wet, it all makes me want to curl into a ball with blankets and sleep for the next 361 days.

Game day and Girls night

Sorry no posts for the last few days, I had friends in town and was busy with them. Friday, Sexton and Julie taught me how to play poker a skill that would later prove to be important. Saturday of course was the OSU v. Michigan game, a nice hearty win, not too exciting just glad to have a W in that column. Derrick called after the game but it was too loud in the bar and I missed the calls. As much as I try to tell myself that there is no way for me to go a year without missing a call, I still feel like crap when I do. During the game I was preoccupied with, well the game, and drinks and friends but afterward I could not help from feeling lonely, surrounded by people I love and yet still very alone. I have come to understand, in the month that Derrick has been gone, what people mean when they say "he or she completes me", and that may sound phony but it is true. I have a constant feeling that something is missing.
After my grandpa passed away, my grandma would complain about being lonely even after she had just had lunch with a friend or a movie with a family member. The family would complain, "Gosh, grandma is so needy, she has more dates with friends than any of us and she still crabs about being alone" Now, I fully understand that loneliness does not fade while you are with others, it is just more prevalent when you are actually alone.
Saturday after the game a gaggle of people piled into Sexton's apartment for some poker, I played all night and ended up with about $18.00 to show for it, not too bad for the first time. It was a really good time, we drank and laughed and, of course ate bacon. Sexton is always good for some cards and bacon. After drinking for a solid 12 hours, it was time to retire home for some much needed slumber. It pretty much went like this since Julie and Ramji arrived, Thursday: drunk, Friday: drunk, Saturday: extra drunk, Sunday: Waffle House!
Last night was the first monthly girls night, it was at my house and ended up being a really good time. We played catch phrase and I think even Keri had fun, as reluctant as she initally was. We had a ton of food, hours'dovers are my speciality, basically I am Cher from Mermaids. Beer, wine, and delicious dirty martinis, what else is there, really. There were 11 girls total and I think that everyone enjoyed themselves. The crowd thinned a little after 10 o'clock and the remaining girls played a few rounds of Right, Left, Center. Man, I love that game, next time I will have to remind people to bring their own quarters/dollars. A very fun night overall.

The last few nights I have not been able to sleep, I was flipping channels around a few nights ago and caught a snip-it from the movie The Exorcism of Emily Rose, many of you may know I am a total scardie cat, when I was younger I used to get scared and go sleep with my younger brothers. Up until the movie snip-it I was sleeping pretty well, I am hoping this will fade soon. One of my brothers is living downstairs but I don't really think it is acceptable for me to get in bed with him anymore, especially since his girlfriend lives there. I have volleyball tonight and will hopefully work-out after that so maybe I will be so tired I will sleep through the night. Keep your fingers crossed.

the last few days ...

Tuesday was a better day, we lost the game but the team was good and it was a fun time. Our team went out for drinks at Plank's and of course we all took it too far and got too drunk for a "school night", I was thinking of Derrick and how would not have approved staying out until last call on a weekday and how had he been there with me, Wednesday would not have been so painful. Wednesday evening I went and had dinner with my sister-in-law and we had fun chatting, when dinner was over we went to a little store called Deals, everything in Deals is a dollar, so tell me how is it that I walked out of there with $50.00 worth of crap. I have issues.
Currently I am at work and it is not much fun at all, my system is down and there is nothing for me to do. When I am not busy (and even sometimes when I am) my mind wanders to Derrick and how much I miss him. Daily life without him really sucks. It's not hard, just a little painful, sometimes a lot painful, sometimes down right unbearable. This morning when I was showering I was thinking about how much fun Thanksgiving always is, my family always has a big production and it is really just a ton of fun, then all at once I realized that Derrick would not be with me and I got really upset. Sometimes I think that this is a practical joke, like at any given moment someone is going to jump out in front of me and say "SURPRISE, you're on Candid Camera!
The next few days are going to be good ones, I have some great friends in town from California and I can't wait to spend time with them and the rest of the old Brian Brou's gang. I love all of those friends very deeply, it is a very strange bond that we all hold. I mean really, we all met in a bar, a bar that closed down. But to this day we are all friends and that is something to hold onto. I guess when you find the people you are meant to be with there is just a glue that holds everyone together and distance and time is not something that will dissolve the bond. Hell, I met Derrick in a bar that that worked.

Over the Weekend

On Friday I went to Bar Louie for lunch with my co-worker and we had a good time, our food took over an hour to get to us but we had a nice time chatting and getting to know each other. Then I hit the road to Lima to see my parents, we went out and had some beers, we had fun, as usual. Saturday we mostly laid around (apparently the going trend of my life) and watched football, the OSU game was a heart-breaker. After the game I drove back to Columbus to go to Arlete, my cousin's wife's, surprise birthday party. The party was an awesome time but everyone got way too drunk way too fast, it was almost ridicules. Sue and I were in awe over the how many "light-weights" there were, it was amazing. Then Sue and I ended our evening with breakfast at TJ's, nothing but the best! Sue stayed over and on Sunday we got up got some breakfast (again) and did some shopping, there was a great sale at Kohl's and we both made out pretty well. Sunday night Jake and I took Derrick's car to Derrick' brother's house to have the window fixed, if there is anyone out there who wants to buy a 2001 Ford Focus let me know! Then we made some home-made vegetable beef soup that was really good. I was thinking that since I did not have to work today that I would go out and have a beer or two last night but I didn't, everyone else had to work today and I did not want to go out alone.

As I sit here now on my day off I really miss Derrick, I finally have a job that gives all the holidays off and I have no one to share it with. How lame. I have days when I think that time will go fast and this will all be over before I even know it, today, is not one of those days. Tomorrow will be busy with work and volleyball and more than likely drinks, so tomorrow will be a better day.

In

It seems that I am back "in" with the telephone God's, I was able to talk with Derrick for about a half hour this morning. He said that he is doing well, he says that he has it pretty good compared to many others so that is something to be thankful for.

I miss him, BAD. Things are getting a little easier for me, day to day is going a little faster and I hope that continues. I have been keeping busy, last night was my first winter volleyball game of the season, we won easily the other team was new but it was fun. Derrick usually plays with us but my brother Jake is filling his shoes this season.

Not much else to report, I can't even remember what I did on Monday, the days are running together.

calls

It seems that the telephone God's are against me. I missed a call from Derrick this morning while I was in the bathroom at work and I sent him an e-mail praying that he was still in his office begging him to call again. As I was waiting for him to call all of a sudden my cell phone beeps like it has a message and it was HIM! My phone did not even ring, the only thing I can think of is that he tried to call again while I was calling into voicemail to check the first message.

I cried, and cried, and cried. His message said that he will call tomorrow. I will be going to the hospital tonight to have my phone surgically implanted in my head.

Over the Weekend

Well Friday after I missed the phone call I was pretty upset and depressed so I did not eat much, I had some erronds to run and was over by one of my old haunts, Woody's. I decided to stop in and have a beer, ran into an old friend and drank a few. Then I met up with Keri, Chad, Matt and his gal Jen, and had a few more at Brazenhead. Well apparently that was a few too many because I puked my guts out on Saturday. I was in charge of making all the Jell-o shots, hard task when you are hung-over, but the task was completed and as usual the shots when over well at the party.
Derrick was able to call on Sturday!! I was feeling terrible and laying in bed but I was so happy to have heard from him. He said that things are going okay but that he is living in a tent city for the time being and will not get his tralior for a few weeks. He said that his job is good but that they have to work seven days a week, gruling if you ask me, but I guess there is not much to do anyway. I have his address and if anyone wants it please contact me.
Jake's Halloween party was on Saturday night, I have pictures but am still not able to locate that USB cord, I may just have to buy one. I will get those loaded asap. It was a really good time and there were some really cute costumes. Renee', a good friend from back home, stayed over and she and I laid around the house and took naps and watched a movie, it was a nice relaxing day.
So far I have not heard from Derrick again, I hope that he will call soon, he told me not to panic if I don't hear from him so I won't. I did get an e-mail that is better than nothing, and at least I know that he is okay.

phone call

I had a meting for work this morning that was quite boring. As I entered my meeting I looked into my purse to get my cell phone to put it on silent and realized I left it at home. I thought nothing of it other than it was a relief that it would not ring while I was in a meeting. As I was driving home I realized that this would be the day I may get a phone call from overseas. I drove faster and faster growing anxious, I pulled up to the house, I threw the car in park, ran up the stairs, ran to my phone, hastily opened it, and there they were 2 missed calls from and unknown number. My heart sank, as I dialed the pass code to listen to the message I started to cry and when I heard his voice from so many miles away I knew that I would never forget my phone again. In the message he said that he should be able to call tomorrow, and now I wait. This is going to be the longest 22 hours of my life.

Baghdad

When I came into work this morning the first thing I did was check my e-mail and there was an e-mail from Baghdad! Derrick has made it to his final destination. He said that it was dusty and he was tired but that he had made it and will be able to call me in a few days. I am so happy and relived that he is there safe, I feel like a great weight has been lifted off of me and I can breath a little easier.

Food ... oh, the great food

Today was a pretty typical day at work but after work I went to dinner with my good friend Alison, we went to Hyde Park on The Cap, what a great dinner. After reading over the menu about 10 times I decided on the nightly special, a filet and lobster tail, with a side of gratin potatoes and a great glass of German Riesling. This dinner was quite possibly the most delicious food I have ever tasted and most certainly the most expensive.

Going out for a delicious expensive dinner is one of the perks that I rarely was able to indulge in when Derrick was home, I have always teased him about his cheeseburger and fries taste. He just never saw the point in spending so much money on dinner when "Your cooking is fine". I suppose this is one of the very few things I get to look forward to during his deployment.

As for the rest of the evening, I plan to veg on the couch and watch TV. What a great night, the only thing that would make it any better would be to have Derrick here by my side.

Kuwait

After work yesterday I had to rush home and get my volleyball clothes together and get over to the Westside. I am playing on a girls team this season which is new for me. I have played on a co-ed team for several years and will be continuing to do that but have picked up the girls team since I have some extra time on my hands. I was a little out of it at the practice, my mind was on Derrick and weather he had made it to Kuwait okay. When the practice was over some of the girls headed over to Emilio's for some pizza and a couple of much needed beers.

When I got home I was exhausted, I almost went right to bed but I had an itching feeling to check my e-mail and I am so glad that I did, there it was, in my in-box "Derrick Military" subject line reading "e-mail from Kuwait" I was so happy and relieved! Derrick had made it, he was tired and did not have much time but he had contacted me.

Last night laying in bed I started to think of all the military wives before me and how lucky I really am to have contact with Derrick. E-mails and phone calls are a new concept as far as a husband being away at war are concerned. The thought of getting just one or two tattered letters dated months before over the course of a two year deployment would be too much for a girl like me to handle. As much as my situation really stinks, it could be much worse, and that is what I have to keep in mind when I start getting down. Every day that I make it through is one day closer to when Derrick comes home.

My Favorite Person

I had a long day at work today, I was worried about missing a call from Derrick all day long. I did get a chance to talk with him a few times which is good because that will probably be the last time for a few days. I stopped in the nail salon by my gym and got my nails done and then Sue and I got take out from Bob Evans and she came over to watch a few episodes of Damages, a great show on FX. I am a big fan of FX, many of my favorite shows are on that channel; Damages, Rescue Me, and Nip Tuck, not to mention they have good movies air often.

As bedtime nears I am growing anxious, I usually have to keep the TV on to keep me company for the first hour or so until I get so tired that I stop thinking about how lonely I am, and can fall asleep. One of the things I worried least about was how lonely I would be when Derrick was gone, I have many friends and alot of family that live here in town, but you just don't realize how much time there really is in the "in between". In between the time I wake up and the time I leave for work, in between the time I get off work until the time I meet up with a friend, in between the time a friend leaves and time to go to bed. It all adds up to a huge empty void where my favorite person used to be.

I think that as time goes on I will get used to it, but for now on the day of my last phone call until who knows when, it is coming to a head of how hard this really is going to be.

Over the weekend

Friday after work I got my hair done and then went out for drinks with Sue and Keri, I ended up staying the night with Keri and we had a great Saturday, we stayed in bed all day and watched TV, we even ordered a pizza and ate that in bed, we finally ended getting up around 5 pm. The mornings are the hardest right now so it helped to not wake up alone.

I went to Keri's parents and watched the game Saturday night and then we hit BW3's and met up with some other gals for some beers, I think is was about 2 when I got home and I was glad to sleep in my own bed.

Today I mostly laid around the house, did some light cleaning that I had been putting off since Derrick left, I just have lack of interest in what the house lookes like since he has been gone. Meal time is tough for me too, the only thing that I really liked about cooking was that it was for Derrick. Today I ate a Lean Cuisine meal for lunch and Jake, my brother, brought me a cheese burger for dinner.

I talked to Derrick tonight and it is for sure that he is leaving for Kuwait tomorrow, this starts the hard part of him being gone. I am sure there will be a break down in communication at least until he gets settled. He has only been away from me for a week and it seems like an eternity, I just hope the time goes fast. I am doing my best to stay busy, I think I am going to look into taking a class of some kind ... cooking .. painting, not sure yet. Volleyball season starts next week and that takes two nights a week, that will help for the time being.

Tomorrow I start week two at my new job so I better get to bed.

Day 9 of Deployment

Let me start with an explanation of who I am, who my husband is, and what the purpose of this blog is.

My name is Jasmine, I am 28 years old, I work full time at a law firm in Columbus, Ohio. Derrick, my husband, is a Captain in the Jag Core of the US Army, he has been set to deploy to Iraq for the next 400 days. I have started this blog to document the journey of my life without my husband. I will post as often as possible and will get some pictures up as soon as I can find the USB cord.